David Bowie's Penis

I recently rewatched a classic 80s cult movie that in someone's imagination was meant for children.  I'm sure you've seen it - Jim Henson's "Labyrinth."  It's a tale of a girl whose brother is taken away by the "Goblin King" (Mr. David Bowie in extremely tight pants) and she can only have him back if she can wander through a labyrinth to the king's castle.  She does so, accompanied by various muppet-style creatures.  The only humans throughout the whole of the movie are Sarah (Jennifer Connelly), the King (David Bowie), and the baby (whatever the hell the baby's name is).

Despite this movie actually having some sort of plot, I cannot ever get past the Goblin King character, who apparently is required to wear ridiculous 80s makeup and tight pants so that David Bowie's junk is front and center every time that character is on the screen.  My mother never wanted me to watch this movie when I was growing up, so I always watched it with friends.  I remember noticing someone's pee-pee was bulging out, but I was seven, so I didn't really think much of it.  After watching it again, however, I cannot help but think that this was done on purpose to make this less of a children's movie and more of a freaky coming-of-age movie.

The main plot is Sarah trying to get her brother back from the "evil" Goblin King.  However, Sarah wanted him to take her little brother in the first place!  Sarah, a teenager, is not the typical teenager.  She still very much likes childish things and does not wish for responsibility, such as babysitting.  The King shows up and takes her brother and she immediately has an "oh shit" moment and asks for him back.  This is when she is shown the labyrinth as her option to get the child.  Rewatching the movie as an adult, however, I realized that the Goblin King isn't just some random bad guy with lots of stage make-up.  He is some 40-something creeper who wants a teenage girl and lures her into his world by taking the child.  He didn't want the child for any good reason, except for the fact that Sarah wished he would come take her.  Why does he need to do Sarah any favors?  It is clear that he has the hots for her...or maybe even loves her in that creepy, fairy-tale, "I've never met you, but I love you, let's get hitched" kind of way.

Basically, the main plot is for the children.  The underlying plot is for people like me, who rewatch as adults and overthink things too much.  It is implied that Sarah needs to "grow up," so she is immediately presented with a much older sex symbol who is supposed to be scary yet is, undoubtebly, hot.  David Bowie isn't the prettiest guy in Hollywood by any means, but he worked.  Perhaps he was the only guy who could fit into the pants.  Apparently Sarah needs to do more than go on a big-kid quest to grow up.  Sarah needs penis in her face non-stop. Every single scene Bowie is in, he is wearing the tightest pants that show the exact shape of his package. How much more clear does the film need to be?  "Hey, Sarah, quit being a kid.  Look!  Penis!" 

At one point in the movie, the Sarah eats a piece of fruit intent for her from the King.  Forbidden fruit, anyone?  When she eats it, she goes into a sort of dream where she is in a ballgown, at a ball with the King.  She is mysteriously attracted to him and attempts to seek him out.  While they are dancing, though, she remembers what she has to do and wakes up and continues her journey.  This is not your standard good guy/bad guy relationship.  Almost makes you think something different might happen.

Well, I guess they had to maintain the PG rating.  Maybe I am completely imagining the sexual undertones (all that time as an English Lit. major, you know), but what other movie do you know (meant for kids, mind you) where the bad guy's package is the most noticeable thing on the screen?  Why is some 40-something British man in lots of makeup trying to woo a teenager?  Maybe I missed some really important part of growing up...or maybe the movies we watched as kids aren't as kid-friendly and normal as we thought.

I found it frustrating, the way the movie ended.  Sarah is offered a chance to stay and be with the King.  Instead of staying, she goes home with her brother, to be a responsible adult.  This essentially means the sexual undertones were all for naught.  Let's see.  What is more grown-up?  Going home to babysit?  Or going to be the sex slave of a well-endowed pop star?  Most importantly - why didn't I get this choice when I was 16?!