I recently rewatched a classic 80s cult movie that in someone's imagination was meant for children. I'm sure you've seen it - Jim Henson's "Labyrinth." It's a tale of a girl whose brother is taken away by the "Goblin King" (Mr. David Bowie in extremely tight pants) and she can only have him back if she can wander through a labyrinth to the king's castle. She does so, accompanied by various muppet-style creatures. The only humans throughout the whole of the movie are Sarah (Jennifer Connelly), the King (David Bowie), and the baby (whatever the hell the baby's name is).
Despite this movie actually having some sort of plot, I cannot ever get past the Goblin King character, who apparently is required to wear ridiculous 80s makeup and tight pants so that David Bowie's junk is front and center every time that character is on the screen. My mother never wanted me to watch this movie when I was growing up, so I always watched it with friends. I remember noticing someone's pee-pee was bulging out, but I was seven, so I didn't really think much of it. After watching it again, however, I cannot help but think that this was done on purpose to make this less of a children's movie and more of a freaky coming-of-age movie.
The main plot is Sarah trying to get her brother back from the "evil" Goblin King. However, Sarah wanted him to take her little brother in the first place! Sarah, a teenager, is not the typical teenager. She still very much likes childish things and does not wish for responsibility, such as babysitting. The King shows up and takes her brother and she immediately has an "oh shit" moment and asks for him back. This is when she is shown the labyrinth as her option to get the child. Rewatching the movie as an adult, however, I realized that the Goblin King isn't just some random bad guy with lots of stage make-up. He is some 40-something creeper who wants a teenage girl and lures her into his world by taking the child. He didn't want the child for any good reason, except for the fact that Sarah wished he would come take her. Why does he need to do Sarah any favors? It is clear that he has the hots for her...or maybe even loves her in that creepy, fairy-tale, "I've never met you, but I love you, let's get hitched" kind of way.
Basically, the main plot is for the children. The underlying plot is for people like me, who rewatch as adults and overthink things too much. It is implied that Sarah needs to "grow up," so she is immediately presented with a much older sex symbol who is supposed to be scary yet is, undoubtebly, hot. David Bowie isn't the prettiest guy in Hollywood by any means, but he worked. Perhaps he was the only guy who could fit into the pants. Apparently Sarah needs to do more than go on a big-kid quest to grow up. Sarah needs penis in her face non-stop. Every single scene Bowie is in, he is wearing the tightest pants that show the exact shape of his package. How much more clear does the film need to be? "Hey, Sarah, quit being a kid. Look! Penis!"
At one point in the movie, the Sarah eats a piece of fruit intent for her from the King. Forbidden fruit, anyone? When she eats it, she goes into a sort of dream where she is in a ballgown, at a ball with the King. She is mysteriously attracted to him and attempts to seek him out. While they are dancing, though, she remembers what she has to do and wakes up and continues her journey. This is not your standard good guy/bad guy relationship. Almost makes you think something different might happen.
Well, I guess they had to maintain the PG rating. Maybe I am completely imagining the sexual undertones (all that time as an English Lit. major, you know), but what other movie do you know (meant for kids, mind you) where the bad guy's package is the most noticeable thing on the screen? Why is some 40-something British man in lots of makeup trying to woo a teenager? Maybe I missed some really important part of growing up...or maybe the movies we watched as kids aren't as kid-friendly and normal as we thought.
I found it frustrating, the way the movie ended. Sarah is offered a chance to stay and be with the King. Instead of staying, she goes home with her brother, to be a responsible adult. This essentially means the sexual undertones were all for naught. Let's see. What is more grown-up? Going home to babysit? Or going to be the sex slave of a well-endowed pop star? Most importantly - why didn't I get this choice when I was 16?!
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Monday, October 17, 2011
The Online Classroom vs. The Brick and Mortar Classroom
In March of this year I started work on my second Bachelor's degree, in Business Management, at Ashford University, a school in Iowa that has an entire online campus alongside their physical one. My first degree, a Bachelor's in English Literature (in case you weren't paying attention to the first blog), was from Heidelberg University (formerly Heidelberg College) in Tiffin, OH. I spent half of my time at Heidelberg commuting to class and half of my time living on campus in the dorms. I was miserable, sure, but I also wouldn't give up those experiences for anything in the world. No, not even $40,000 in loan forgiveness.
Not every part of Heidelberg was great. I simultaneously loved and hated being a music major. Eventually the hate took over, which is why I switched to my next love - English. When I switched majors, I also moved onto campus and I met some people I still hold near and dear to me today and I honestly don't know where I would be without them. I had experiences, big and small, with them at my side. I didn't go to college to hide in my dorm room and only interact with my laptop computer. I interacted with my room mates, my neighbors, my classmates, my professors (the normal and the insane), and even the lady taking my Starbucks order. Nothing beats human interaction. Sometimes human interaction is all that saves you from that mountain of papers you need to write and the four novels that need read by Monday. Sometimes that work is interrupted by the room mate and the slightly insane neighbor insisting that the work will all be easier at Denny's.
Having had an entire experience at Heidelberg, which is something more than most people ever accomplish, it is a little unusual for to go "back to school" in an entirely different fashion. It is easy and convenient, that is for sure. Ashford is entirely online, so all I ever have to do is log into the online classroom and do my work. No travel, no changing buildings, no dorms. The classroom is wherever my laptop is. Sound amazing yet? It was, at first. The classes are one at a time, in continuous 5-week increments. I have a quiz to do each week, two discussion board short responses each week, plus I have to interact a certain number of times with my peers on the discussion boards. There is a final paper due by the end of class, usually about 5-8 pages in length, depending on the class. Easy for someone with their English degree, right?
While the convenience factor is high and the cost of attending Ashford is a mere fraction of what it cost to attend Heidelberg, Ashford is lacking something very important. Maybe I only notice it missing because I have already had my "college experience." I don't have any attachment to my peers. The discussions have all the cold, distant, pretentious behavior of an internet forum. I am also really tired of hearing about peoples' kids and grandkids, as if they have some bearing on a 400-level management course. No one will even consider my discussions on the board because they are actually about the course material and actually make sense. I am sorry I don't have experiences akin to "Like, when i was 32 and had my fourth kid with my third different babydaddy i worked at this restrant and my manager was a jerk and that's why when youre a manager you need to understand youre empployees." The frightening thing is, I see these same people in my next class...meaning that these ass-clowns PASSED.
Some professors bother to actually interact on the discussion boards, while some professors are clearing being paid to only log in once a week to input grades a computer figured up for them. Have you ever had your essay graded by a computer? It's no different than Microsoft Word's green and red squiggles. Where is the motivation to write something even remotely intelligent if a human being isn't even going to read it? I had a phenomenal essay written up for my first ever class at Ashford and a computer graded it, informing me that I did not have a thesis statement or a conclusion. The computer knew this because I did not use words like "In my paper I will write about..." and "For my conclusion, I..." I was given a C+. If the woman with four kids, three "baby-daddies" and an inability to understand your/you're got an A I will just end it all now.
I knock Ashford, but it has its perks. I couldn't go back to school now. I have a full time job that I enjoy, despite its simplicity and it has nothing to do with my agree. I figured it is time to grow up, though. I need to work, pay rent, make my bills on time, and MOST IMPORTANTLY- make that car payment! I'm ass-deep in credit card and student loan debt, but at least I am working hard and taking care of myself. I can't play at school anymore. I wish I could, but even at age 24, I'm pushing senior citizen status compared to those freshmen. My time on campus is up, but I wouldn't wish an online-only experience on anyone. My advice is this - if you have the time and the means and the youth, you should have this experience. Don't squander it, either. College is a lot more fun if you don't get kicked out. There's just something different about hurrying to class with your printed-out essay, sitting down next to your best friend, and taking down pencil and paper notes. Not to mention the most important bit of all - I haven't had any 2AM Taco Bell runs with any of my online classroom peers.
Not every part of Heidelberg was great. I simultaneously loved and hated being a music major. Eventually the hate took over, which is why I switched to my next love - English. When I switched majors, I also moved onto campus and I met some people I still hold near and dear to me today and I honestly don't know where I would be without them. I had experiences, big and small, with them at my side. I didn't go to college to hide in my dorm room and only interact with my laptop computer. I interacted with my room mates, my neighbors, my classmates, my professors (the normal and the insane), and even the lady taking my Starbucks order. Nothing beats human interaction. Sometimes human interaction is all that saves you from that mountain of papers you need to write and the four novels that need read by Monday. Sometimes that work is interrupted by the room mate and the slightly insane neighbor insisting that the work will all be easier at Denny's.
Having had an entire experience at Heidelberg, which is something more than most people ever accomplish, it is a little unusual for to go "back to school" in an entirely different fashion. It is easy and convenient, that is for sure. Ashford is entirely online, so all I ever have to do is log into the online classroom and do my work. No travel, no changing buildings, no dorms. The classroom is wherever my laptop is. Sound amazing yet? It was, at first. The classes are one at a time, in continuous 5-week increments. I have a quiz to do each week, two discussion board short responses each week, plus I have to interact a certain number of times with my peers on the discussion boards. There is a final paper due by the end of class, usually about 5-8 pages in length, depending on the class. Easy for someone with their English degree, right?
While the convenience factor is high and the cost of attending Ashford is a mere fraction of what it cost to attend Heidelberg, Ashford is lacking something very important. Maybe I only notice it missing because I have already had my "college experience." I don't have any attachment to my peers. The discussions have all the cold, distant, pretentious behavior of an internet forum. I am also really tired of hearing about peoples' kids and grandkids, as if they have some bearing on a 400-level management course. No one will even consider my discussions on the board because they are actually about the course material and actually make sense. I am sorry I don't have experiences akin to "Like, when i was 32 and had my fourth kid with my third different babydaddy i worked at this restrant and my manager was a jerk and that's why when youre a manager you need to understand youre empployees." The frightening thing is, I see these same people in my next class...meaning that these ass-clowns PASSED.
Some professors bother to actually interact on the discussion boards, while some professors are clearing being paid to only log in once a week to input grades a computer figured up for them. Have you ever had your essay graded by a computer? It's no different than Microsoft Word's green and red squiggles. Where is the motivation to write something even remotely intelligent if a human being isn't even going to read it? I had a phenomenal essay written up for my first ever class at Ashford and a computer graded it, informing me that I did not have a thesis statement or a conclusion. The computer knew this because I did not use words like "In my paper I will write about..." and "For my conclusion, I..." I was given a C+. If the woman with four kids, three "baby-daddies" and an inability to understand your/you're got an A I will just end it all now.
I knock Ashford, but it has its perks. I couldn't go back to school now. I have a full time job that I enjoy, despite its simplicity and it has nothing to do with my agree. I figured it is time to grow up, though. I need to work, pay rent, make my bills on time, and MOST IMPORTANTLY- make that car payment! I'm ass-deep in credit card and student loan debt, but at least I am working hard and taking care of myself. I can't play at school anymore. I wish I could, but even at age 24, I'm pushing senior citizen status compared to those freshmen. My time on campus is up, but I wouldn't wish an online-only experience on anyone. My advice is this - if you have the time and the means and the youth, you should have this experience. Don't squander it, either. College is a lot more fun if you don't get kicked out. There's just something different about hurrying to class with your printed-out essay, sitting down next to your best friend, and taking down pencil and paper notes. Not to mention the most important bit of all - I haven't had any 2AM Taco Bell runs with any of my online classroom peers.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
The First F***ing Entry
Instead of filling this with pearls of wisdom, or witty musings, I figured I should set up an introduction. I hate introductions. If you know me already, consider yourself fortunate. If you Googled something unusual and found this, consider yourself fortunate. I'm a 24-year-old pizza delivery driver with a Bachelor's Degree in English Literature. This is also the first time I have referred to myself as "being" something, like I was calling it my career or something of the sort.
It is my choosing to do what I do. I enjoy the hell out of my job. I enjoy it much more than any other job I have ever had or any other class I have ever taken. Essentially, I am a professional slacker. I drive around in my f***ing awesome car and deliver f***ing awesome pizza (no, that is not a plug for my company - I really do think it's tasty) and listen to f***ing awesome music. Did I mention I make great money?
Perhaps you are wondering what all the swearing is about. It's really just an in-joke that I have taken too far. The word "f***ing" is used for anything extreme. If a friend is really outrageous, then that friend is "F***ing Stacy" or "F***ing Joe." If a car is an abnormal color of blue, or a really bright tone, it's not just blue but "f***ing blue." It's not an insult. So, this isn't just my blog. It's my F***ing Blog."
I did not introduce myself as being married or having kids or having some fantastic boyfriend because, well, it would be a lie. I'm sure if you're reading this and you have kids then I am sure they are great, the love of your life, what your life is all about, and they shit pure gold. However, I generally dislike children except for the rare few exceptions. I am not married because it is hard for me to tolerate anyone for too long and I don't have a boyfriend because, well, it is hard for me to tolerate anyone for too long. I like my cats and I like my car. You will most likely hear plenty of things about my cats and my car in the future.
You can expect some reviews, musings, and most likely some agressive rants coming from this blog since I am opinionated, think too much, and occasionally have an anger problem. But, hey. Isn't it better that I verbally assault someone with this blog as my medium instead of punching their lights out? Yeah. That's what I thought.
I'm not sure if anyone will ever read this or communicate with me via this, but to get the ball rolling... did I just get deja vu for no reason or did MySpace have a blog once upon a time?
It is my choosing to do what I do. I enjoy the hell out of my job. I enjoy it much more than any other job I have ever had or any other class I have ever taken. Essentially, I am a professional slacker. I drive around in my f***ing awesome car and deliver f***ing awesome pizza (no, that is not a plug for my company - I really do think it's tasty) and listen to f***ing awesome music. Did I mention I make great money?
Perhaps you are wondering what all the swearing is about. It's really just an in-joke that I have taken too far. The word "f***ing" is used for anything extreme. If a friend is really outrageous, then that friend is "F***ing Stacy" or "F***ing Joe." If a car is an abnormal color of blue, or a really bright tone, it's not just blue but "f***ing blue." It's not an insult. So, this isn't just my blog. It's my F***ing Blog."
I did not introduce myself as being married or having kids or having some fantastic boyfriend because, well, it would be a lie. I'm sure if you're reading this and you have kids then I am sure they are great, the love of your life, what your life is all about, and they shit pure gold. However, I generally dislike children except for the rare few exceptions. I am not married because it is hard for me to tolerate anyone for too long and I don't have a boyfriend because, well, it is hard for me to tolerate anyone for too long. I like my cats and I like my car. You will most likely hear plenty of things about my cats and my car in the future.
You can expect some reviews, musings, and most likely some agressive rants coming from this blog since I am opinionated, think too much, and occasionally have an anger problem. But, hey. Isn't it better that I verbally assault someone with this blog as my medium instead of punching their lights out? Yeah. That's what I thought.
I'm not sure if anyone will ever read this or communicate with me via this, but to get the ball rolling... did I just get deja vu for no reason or did MySpace have a blog once upon a time?
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